Too Much Time in my Head

As previously mentioned, I am currently on “hiatus” from work. Pair that with an awful case of pneumonia, and that means I have been by myself way too much in the last few weeks. After I lost my job, a few nights of debauchery incurred. Some, ah…very, very bad decisions were made. I think I forced myself to hit rock bottom quickly by doing the one thing (ok, person) I should never, never have done. I decided I needed to run and hide for awhile and took my daughter and headed to the cabin. After my detox weekend, we were driving home and I started feeling funny. I had a fever of 101* and coughing like crazy. A doctor’s visit confirmed pneumonia.  After almost three weeks, I am ready to go out again – just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. But, I am worried about reentering a world with real people

Have you ever had this much forced down time in your life? I spent so much time watching hockey and movies with Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez, and Amanda Peet, I thought these people were my new friends.  But mostly, I thought. I thought about everything. Made resolutions about how to handle certain situations, which I would break within hours. Thought about every mistake I had made – specifically the more recent ones. Thought how I had screwed up. This is so unhealthy, but how do you stop your thoughts when you are by yourself? Replaying your life with no perspective, well, sucks. I played out a thousand conversations I was going to have – one minute being very apologetic, another being brazen, and another not saying a word. Of course none of these happened, and when I did communicate with these people, I stammered or texted not what I really wanted. You would think I could stick to a script, but with so many versions, I got so mixed up. I am feeling all out of sorts and I do not know how to make it better. Too much time in my head is not, I repeat, is not a good thing.

Wish me the luck of the Irish – I certainly need it! Hopefully I will have something more fun to write about after the festivities! Beannachtaí na féile Pádraig

St. Patrick's Day

St. Patrick’s Day is, as my dear friend recently said, a high holy day for my family. As long as I can remember, the holiday has been celebrated in grand fashion. Parades, parties, corn beef and cabbage, Guinness, skipping school, shamrocks, green from head to toe, glitter, and lots of family!

When we were in our 20s, mom would set up shop at the house, with a few aunts and uncles. They would serve corn beef and cabbage in waves to all of us. Each kid would stop home at some point post-parade and after a bar or two for much needed food. It wasn’t uncommon that each of us would walk in with 15-20 people; mom would have a plate in each person’s hand before you could say Sláinte. Songs would be sung and the alcohol would be soaked up in the traditionally bland food that mom somehow made flavorful. Then one group would exit as the next came in.

My first apartment post-college happened to be downtown, right on the parade route. A new tradition began of having everyone over starting at 9am for coffee with Bailey’s, beer, or whatever your pleasure with a few green donuts and rolls. And when I say everyone, I mean friends, brothers, sister, their friends, cousins, aunts (including the nun), uncles, and mom. The “older generation” would stay in the apartment and watch the parade from the window (21^st floor), while we would all go down to the parade. One year, the nun was dropping ice cubes down on us – they were like bullets by the time they hit the ground. We all laughed and just chalked it up to the crazy nun. Then my generation would hit all the downtown bars. By 3 pm or so, we would need a little break. We would stumble back to the bar in our building, that was full of blue hairs, and sing Karaoke, eat, and get ready for the night. The blue hairs loved us and our renditions of Guns-n-Roses Jungle Love. Then off to more Irish bars!

The last year in the downtown apartment, we were getting ready to move out the end of March. It was our last St. Paddy’s Day there and we were ready to make it the best ever. Lots was going on life and through all the distraction, I hadn’t realized that something hadn’t happened that was suppose to…I made a doctor’s appointment for the 16^th and boom – after two years of trying, I was pregnant. How does one make it though St. Pat’s without drinking and people not figuring this out? Well, by the end of day, all of St. Paul knew I was knocked up. This just makes St. Patrick’s Day all the more special to me!

The following year, with a four month old baby and a new house, everyone stilled showed up at our place at 9 in the morning. We had a packed house and a couple of elderly women came to the door. I assumed it was someone’s grandparents and let them in. I went to the kitchen and told my sister-in-law I thought her grandma was sitting on the couch. Well, the end of the story is they were Jehovah Witnesses and were in shock!

As the family grew, we started renting out bars to have our own family parties. We would take all the kids to the parade, then get baby-sitters, and go to our own party. Corn beef and cabbage would be served, Guinness Kegs would be flowing, and my cousins Irish Band would be playing. These parties were epic!

I often use St. Patrick’s Day as some people use New Years - a time to take stock of one’s life. From finding out I was pregnant to taking my daughter out of school for the parade, her first limo ride, to having to pretend everything was ok when my life was falling apart, to reclaiming my life. This year is the first one without my mom, which is hard, just as the first one without my dad was. But, it is the family traditions that make a family. My daughter always says it is her favorite day of the year because it is all the family and just about having fun! And family in St. Paul, includes just about everyone we know!

Now, in my still early 40s, I am back to the bar hopping. My daughter is 17, I am single again and it feels just like it did when I was half the age. The day still starts early; the whole family still goes to the parade, and the revelry lives on! But, being a little older has one advantage – a daughter who can pick up her drunken mom, friends, aunts, and uncles!