Too Much Time in my Head

As previously mentioned, I am currently on “hiatus” from work. Pair that with an awful case of pneumonia, and that means I have been by myself way too much in the last few weeks. After I lost my job, a few nights of debauchery incurred. Some, ah…very, very bad decisions were made. I think I forced myself to hit rock bottom quickly by doing the one thing (ok, person) I should never, never have done. I decided I needed to run and hide for awhile and took my daughter and headed to the cabin. After my detox weekend, we were driving home and I started feeling funny. I had a fever of 101* and coughing like crazy. A doctor’s visit confirmed pneumonia.  After almost three weeks, I am ready to go out again – just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. But, I am worried about reentering a world with real people

Have you ever had this much forced down time in your life? I spent so much time watching hockey and movies with Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez, and Amanda Peet, I thought these people were my new friends.  But mostly, I thought. I thought about everything. Made resolutions about how to handle certain situations, which I would break within hours. Thought about every mistake I had made – specifically the more recent ones. Thought how I had screwed up. This is so unhealthy, but how do you stop your thoughts when you are by yourself? Replaying your life with no perspective, well, sucks. I played out a thousand conversations I was going to have – one minute being very apologetic, another being brazen, and another not saying a word. Of course none of these happened, and when I did communicate with these people, I stammered or texted not what I really wanted. You would think I could stick to a script, but with so many versions, I got so mixed up. I am feeling all out of sorts and I do not know how to make it better. Too much time in my head is not, I repeat, is not a good thing.

Wish me the luck of the Irish – I certainly need it! Hopefully I will have something more fun to write about after the festivities! Beannachtaí na féile Pádraig