The Year

Here goes…this last year has bit the big one. Work has absolutely sucked, my mom was in and out of the hospital, and so was her twin. In August, mom died, followed a month later by her twin. I am literally at grief overload. I don’t think it all really hit me to right now. Since mom died, we have all been holding our breath, waiting for Aunt Mary to pass. Now that she has and her services are over, I can let out a breath. But that means, now I can also fully absorb all that has happened. 

I am sitting at work, after having the last three days off to attend my aunt’s funeral (10 hours away). I kept busy in the morning, but have hit the wall. I am almost paralyzed. So, I am doing what I do to get calm – write. 

My mom and I were very close. We talked or saw each other almost every day. My dad died almost 25 years ago, which I think made our bond stronger. My mom raised all six of us, with different relationships with each. My sister and I spent the most time with her – we went on vacations, took her to the cabin, had dinner, and would call to see if she needed to “do a Target run”. The girls get that sometimes you just don’t want to be alone. The boys were fine, but did not always think about the everyday life.

My mom and her twin were unbelievable close. While my mom got married after college, her twin entered the convent. They were very different, but still very connected. Where my mom was more of a behind the scenes, hard worker, Aunt Mary was loud and made things happen, with just a phone call. The two of them talked multiple times a day. Aunt Mary always stayed with our family when she came into town and we all were very close with her. 

As an adult, when hard times hit, mom and Aunt Mary both helped in their own unique way. Mom would listen to me, offer money, take me shopping, and most importantly, step in with my daughter. I became a single mom when my daughter was ten. Once I got a full time job, mom picked up the slack – going to school masses, field trips, doctor’s appointments, etc…I could never have managed those years without her support. Aunt Mary, on the other hand, was very practical. She kept telling me I could face these challenges, that I was strong, and that I could not control what had happened, only my reaction to it. She worked for a local warehouse that supplied furniture to the needy and she often would drop by with little presents for me and my daughter. We now were the needy, but she always made it seem like I was doing her a favor by taking these “extra items” off her hands. 

Even though I feel comfort in knowing these two strong, inspirational women are together, losing them at the same time is heartbreaking.  I have picked up my phone on more than one occasion to call one of them or I catch myself thinking, “Oh, I have to remember to ask Mom/Aunt Mary that”. 

I am normally a very upbeat positive person and it is very hard to let myself be sad for more than a few minutes. I know I will get through this, but I know I will never be the same. We have lost an entire generation in my family. My daughter has no grandparents and even though I am 42, I feel like an orphan.

Ok, I got it out for now, I really should try to do some work!